The Book of Letters

n the beginning there was silence and there was no understanding. And then man spoke and there was noise. And man called this noise language and said “This is my Language in which I am well pleased, and I shall have no other languages before it.”—But Language went forth and multiplied.

nd so it was that Proto-Indo-European begat Balto-Slavic, Germanic, Celtic, Italic, Illyrian, Albanian, Thracian, Hellenic, Armenian, Phrygian, Anatolian, Indo-Iranian and Tocharian and then died of exhaustion and was forgotten.

nd it came to pass that Balto-Slavic subdivided and became Baltic and Slavic and the number of their begating was three but the languages of Slavic were fruitful and multiplied, went condo and ate up the languages of Baltic.

ellenic begat Greek and Italic begat Latin and had many other languages and was eaten by its off-spring. Latin begat and begat and begat which was all very Romantic.

nd Germanic Begat Anglo-Saxon which had an illicit relationship with Norman French, the illegitimate off-spring of Old French and a Northern Dialect of Germanic, and begat Middle English. And Middle English became vague and begat English, a language which even its own speakers do not speak. And so Language multiplied until the peoples of the earth could not understand themselves, and there was no understanding.

here were in that same land Calligraphers and Scribes, and they said “Let there be an Alphabet that we may grow and prosper.” and so there was an Alphabet. Now in that Alphabet there were letters and unto each letter there was one sound, or two sounds, or three sounds, or two letters for one sound and this greatly pleased the Calligraphers and Scribes for no others could read it. And so they grew and prospered.

ow each Language took unto itself an Alphabet except Latin. Latin took unto itself the Greek alphabet, and after changing a few letters for copyright protection, called it Roman and inflicted unto the far reaches of the world, even unto Cleveland in the far west.

nd the Calligraphers and Scribes conspired together and said “Now there is an Alphabet there must be something to write.” and so they invented Literature. Now those among the Calligraphers and Scribes who produced Literature called themselves Authors. And the Authors waxed powerful among the Calligraphers and Scribes for their writings were as numerous as the forms of the IRS and about as understandable. And those who could not express themselves in their native language quoted important passages in foreign languages and when pressed to explain their eccentricities exclaimed “;I know how to write, let others learn to read.” And those amongst the Calligraphers and Scribes who were not Authors grew sore afraid; so they invented Critics.

hen arose Joyce, a great one amongst the authors, who spoke for many hours of many things and many were there among those present that drifted off to sleep. There was one present who, after sleeping for many hours, awoke and found that Joyce was still speaking and this so greatly disturbed his waking thoughts that he emitted a piercing shriek and ran from the chamber. And thus it was that the Scream of Consciousness became an integral part of Joyce's style.

ut there were those amongst the Calligraphers and Scribes who could speak but plainly. And they, wishing to share in rich spoils of confused thinking arose early in the afternoon worked for many minutes and invented Statistics, and Marketing Surveys, and after a three martini dinner did they invent jargon. And thus did “Method” become “Methodology” and even the paradigm of “paradigm” shifted and so did plain speaking become confused and plain speakers became great by proving whatever they willed. And they called themselves Bureaucrats and worshiped at the Bottom Line.

hen came forth out of this wilderness a prophet unto the Elders among the Calligraphers and Scribes, even unto the High Author and Chief Bureaucrat, and demanded of them explanations of their deeds. And the Elders answered him in words both wise and wonderful and almost entirely content free. And the prophet said unto them “Speak not to me in words of flowing rhetoric for I come from the wilderness where I was Illuminating the Letters of the Law and yea, I can recognize the droppings of male bovines when they are displayed before me.” And they Answered him speaking such words as are not to be recorded in Holy Books.

nd again he spoke, saying “Lo, it is written, for I have written it, that one shall come forth from the wilderness and found a new order amongst the scribes. Behold, here am I.”

nd these be the words of the Prophet: “Yea, though I speak the words of angels or the words of corruption yet shall they be considered wise; and yea, though I walk uprightly amongst men or wind sideways through the sand on my belly, yet shall I be respected, and yea, though my ancestry be of noble kin or that of the barracuda and shark, yet shall I be honored above all: for I am a Lawyer.”

nd so it came to pass that there was much wailing, and an outcry was heard throughout the world, and there was much litigation, but there was still no understanding.